Alt+Control Chapter 48

Here I am, sitting in a black dress, trying my best to listen to the guy drone on and on about Gerad. Instead, my eyes keep on flickering towards the coffin only a few meters away from me.

I can’t listen to the flowery euphemisms that the man spouts out, just like all the people before him. They just capture a small part of Gerad’s personality. They don’t talk about his obsession with movies, his absolute stubbornness, and his crooked smile…they paint this picture of this absolutely flawless guy who isn’t the Gerad I knew.

When it was time to pray, I just bow my head, and I hope that wherever the heck he is, he’s doing fine. The people around me mutter a quiet, “Amen,” and the funeral is finally over.

I stand off to the side, watching his family crying and hugging each other. I look away when it becomes too much. I feel responsible, like I could’ve prevented Gerad’s death. Like I could’ve stopped this mourning.

I walk to the back of the small church, and go outside. It’s another beautiful day, abnormally warm for late September. I sit down, at the base of a maple tree, not caring if my dress gets stained. A few maple leaves flutter down, the first of many.

“It’s too depressing in there. I’m glad you had the same thought,” says someone from behind the maple tree. Marc steps out, and sits beside me. “You feeling ok?”

“I guess. So much has happened in the last week,” I tell him, and I hear the people coming out of the church and preparing to go to the cemetery. I’m not going.

“There has. At least Drew is fine,” he says, with a sad smile. I wince. I haven’t told him about Drew yet.

“Actually, he doesn’t remember me at all,” I say. I don’t feel like expanding.

“Oh. I’m sorry,” he says, and sensing me closing the door on that subject, he stops talking. Instead, he slides an arm around me and pulls me in close. I let him, and I enjoy the warmth and safety of being close to someone.

“I know this is not the time or the place, but I don’t think I can go any longer without telling you,” he says, and lets go of me. He combs his hair back from the roots nervously, and surprisingly, he blushes. “I like you Kaya…more than an ally, more than a friend…I told Gerad this a while ago, when you went by yourself to check the door, and he told me that I…I love you.”

I had already known that, but it was still shocking to hear it coming from him.

“I know that you might already be overwhelmed with everything, but I can’t go on without letting you know. I’ve been bursting to tell you ever since we’ve escaped. I love you Kaya.”

I sit there in silence. Do I love him back? I think hard, and close my eyes. I think back to all the times he’s touched me, saved me, held me close… I feel slightly flustered, but it doesn’t compare at all to what I felt with Drew. I didn’t want to say it, but I had to.

“I…I’m sorry. I don’t love you back in the same way.”

His eyes darken slightly. “Are you still in love with Drew? You know he won’t love you back in the same you love him. But with me…” He tries putting his arm around me again. This time though, I scoot away and stand up.

“I’m sorry. I still love Drew. I know I’ll get over him eventually, but until then, I don’t love anyone else. I really like you, no, perhaps love you, but more like a brother.” I stand there, an awkward silence between us.

“Ok then. I’ll wait for you Kaya. When you’re done with Drew, tell me. I’ll be waiting.”

I speed walk out of there, and catch a ride on the streetcar. I close my eyes, and nod off until we reach the Skytrain station. I climb onto the busy Skytrain and make my way back home. I go up to my room, slip out of my dress, and collapse onto my unmade bed. Within moments, I fall asleep.

I find myself in a misty white room. A figure approaches me, and I see it’s Gerad. I rub my eyes to make sure I’m actually seeing him, and when I open them again, he’s reached me.

“Hey Kaya, how are you dealing with everything?” he asks.

“I’m fine, I guess. So many things are happening, and almost all at once. Drew doesn’t remember me, Lukas is in coma, and Marc confessed to me at your funeral.”

“I suppose it was that boring, eh?”

“Boring is an understatement. Besides, they were spouting a bunch of bullshit about you being an absolute saint.”

“So you’re saying I’m not?” He tilts his head and smiles at me.

“You may be a saint, but not a perfect one.” I smile back at him.

There’s a pause, but it’s not awkward. Rather, it’s kind of comforting. I probably will never be able to experience this again.

“So Marc got the guts to confess to you. He was pretty naïve about his feelings until I pointed it out to him.”

“Lukas told me he did, but it’s still weird hearing it from Marc. Like since when was it like that?”

“I don’t know. Did you reject him?”

“Yeah. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but I don’t feel the same way towards him as he does to me.” I sigh. “I don’t know if we’ll ever be back to that ally/friend relationship.”

“Oh you definitely will. Even if you put him second, he’ll be there to help you. Trust me, when you went off into the darkness, he was freaking out.”

I chuckle at the thought. “You really think he’ll be around when I need him?”

“For sure. He told me himself.”

“I see.” I look at Gerad, taking him in. “Did it hurt?”

“Did what hurt? Oh…I see,” he says when he realizes what I’m talking about. “For a moment, quite a bit. But it was a merciful kill and I passed within seconds probably.”

“I’m glad it was quick.”

“Don’t feel guilty about it. It wasn’t your fault, or Marc’s. I guess it was just my time to go.” He tilts his head, as if he heard something. “I think it’s time for you to go. I’ll come visit now and then, ok?”

I nod my head, and try to blink away tears.

“Say hi to Marc for me,” he says, and he starts disappearing into the mist. The room disappears, and I hear my alarm clock ringing. I open my eyes, and see sunlight shining through my window.

My face is wet with tears, but my heart feels light again. “I will tell him that, Gerad.”